Communicating Is about the Feelings – Not the Words

Why does communicating sometimes not accomplish what we intend?

We think communicating is about saying the right words. But I see communicating as getting my audience, or the person I’m with, to feel the way I want them to feel. In other words, I want them to feel a certain way – not think a certain way. So, the question becomes: How do I want my audience to feel during and at the end of my talk?

Once I know how I want them to feel, I bring myself to this same feeling. I write or communicate what I want to say with this feeling inside me. I let the feeling bring me the words, which it always does.

It’s important for me to know how I’m feeling before I write or talk because the recipient of my words may not remember what I said but will remember how I made them feel. In other words, my feelings will override anything I say. So it’s important to know how I feel before talking or writing. 

All memorable speeches or informal talks start with a great feeling before the person writes the speech and gives the talk. Feelings like passion, love, appreciation, excitement, amazement, and hope, to name a few, leave us feeling better than we felt before the talk. And it’s feeling better that someone wants and remembers; it isn’t the words.

When a speaker feels appreciation, passion, excitement, or another wonderful feeling, a mutual understanding happens.  No one needs convincing of what to do because the feeling says it all. The same thing can happen when the speaker is very angry and passes this feeling onto their audience. Again, the intense feeling brings an understanding of what needs to be done. So the words aren’t relevant.

Communicating with your partner is always on the level of feeling. So, when you have an important conversation with someone, be sure you are feeling what you want your partner to feel. Do you want your partner to be mad at you? If so, then go into the conversation angry. Do you want the other person to understand you or appreciate you? Most people want both. So this is how you want to feel before you talk.

Communicating never goes well when I’m not feeling good. Communicating goes well when I feel very good and connected with the person. The better I feel, the better the communication. And feeling appreciation allows me to communicate this wonderful feeling with every word I say.

But sometimes you don’t have time to feel better before you have to communicate. In these situations, it helps to have experienced the joy of listening. By completely focusing on listening, you aren’t focused on what you were thinking and feeling before.  This allows you to quickly feel better. So, the fifth key to a fulfilling relationship is learning how to find joy in listening so that when you do talk, you pass on this feeling to your partner, guaranteeing your communication ends up bringing you what you both want.