The Joy of Listening

My fourth article on having a fulfilling relationship was about feeling the way you want the person you are communicating with to feel. A wonderful way to do this is to be great at listening, which brings joy. And it’s the easiest and quickest way to get into the feeling you want the other person to feel.

The secret to listening is to connect with the person first. I do this by focusing on one thing: I understand what is being said. Focusing on one thing feels great and keeps me from thinking while the other person is talking. If I’m thinking about what I’m going to say next, then I’m not listening to what the other person is saying. This is like two people talking at the same time. It’s hard to hear, much less understand, what the other is saying.

So how does listening bring me joy?

The first time I really focused on understanding someone, I felt joy, which was a complete surprise. Years later I experienced that if my full attention or focus was on one thing, I felt blissful. I learned that when my attention is scattered, going from one thing to another or from one thought to another, this lack of focus blocks the feeling of joy or bliss.

I also learned that listening isn’t about making someone else feel better; it’s about making me feel better. I can’t help someone feel better if I’m not feeling good myself. In other words, our conversation isn’t productive if I don’t feel good. So the key is to focus on understanding their viewpoint first.

Another way I feel joy is to ask questions while I’m listening. Asking questions is so valuable for me. There are two reasons. The first is that asking questions helps me to not react, not get bored, or not get lost in thinking. The reason: Once I ask a question, I’m focused on listening to the answer. And by asking questions, the person knows I’m paying attention and I want to understand.

And the second reason or advantage is that asking questions will temporarily stop the person from talking, which helps me and them if they are spending too much time complaining. My questions will stop them from dwelling on the problem and will instead help them focus on finding a solution, which is what ultimately will help them feel better. It takes practice to develop this skill in asking questions that help the person find a solution without me telling them what they should do. I’m only good at this if I feel joy from listening.

Another skill is to listen to what is not being said. I ask questions if I need more info in order to understand. When I do this, an understanding spontaneously comes to me while I’m listening. I can say what I’m understanding, but I’m brief if I do. This helps the other person to know that I’m listening and understanding.

So, if the conversation is about understanding each other’s viewpoint, how do I get them to understand my viewpoint once I understand their viewpoint?

I don’t start off by trying to convince them of my viewpoint. Instead, I first understand their viewpoint. Once I understand them, they feel understood and want to listen to me in order to understand my viewpoint. But if the feeling I’m sending out is that I want to change their mind, then that feeling will come back to me with the other person trying to change my mind. In this situation, wanting to understand isn’t anyone’s desire, so it rarely happens. The best chance for our conversation working to meet both of our desires is for me to feel very good.

Feeling the joy of understanding is a great way not to get caught up in someone’s suffering, anger, or unhappiness. I can’t help someone feel better by joining them in their suffering. But I can listen to them and feel joy. My joy will help them feel better, which is the best thing I can do for anyone.

I used to think I’d feel the best if I could convince someone of something, if I could prove I’m right. But I felt a joy that felt better than being right, which again surprised me, just by understanding what someone was saying.

With a simple intention to understand, listening can be more enjoyable than talking.

       To remember what is in these five articles on having a fulfilling relationship, you will want to practice. You know you are embodying these principles when you feel good during your practice. And you don’t need a partner to practice appreciating, taking responsibility for how you feel, and feeling your way instead of thinking you way through tough situations. It’s takes practice being aware of how you feel and how this feeling is affecting your whole life.

Only experience can teach you. Words are easy to forget, whereas a joyful feeling from a wonderful experience is easy to remember.